Monday, June 27, 2016


 Time is an interesting concept. I always say I don't have enough time to do anything (go places, see people, experience things, etc.) But when people ask me, I always say I don't do anything with my time. I spend most of it laying in bed watching things on my laptop. I guess my definition of something means doing something worthwhile. 
 I know it's my fault and I have no right to complain but I just don't have motivation to go out to do things. That and I hate going outside. Sure if it's somewhere or with someone I'm comfortable, I will be totally fine. But the idea of an unfamiliar surrounding just freak me out too much. Maybe I'm sheltered, maybe I over think things, but it is a problem I'm aware I have. It is also a problem I am not yet ready to solve. But hey, acknowledgement is the first step right?

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Adolescent Angst

I don't know how to express myself anymore. Lately there's been so many things happening and I can't talk about it to anyone because they're personal or secret things with/about other people. I feel like I've just been bottling it up inside and it's going to make something bad happen some time soon. I hope it doesn't but I'm worried it will. Also my quarter life crisis from turning 24 (year of the monkey) is even worse lately.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

It's One of Those

 Do you ever have one of those friendships where you just know it will last forever? My friend whom I hang out with almost every weekend and I met a few years ago (I think 2013) when I was still in community college. He's been friends with me throughout all 3 of my relationships and we've kept in contact through all of them so he knows what I'm like when I'm in a relationship (aka don't talk to friends and spend all the time with the bf).
 But even though the friendship hasn't been that long, you just feel like you've been friends since forever. We enjoy the same things, watch movies together every weekend, it's just one of those best friends feelings - although he would never give me the label of best friend because he's unemotional like that.
 Tomorrow is his birthday (yay!) and I got him a notebook a few weeks ago from Moleskine (more on them later) with his initials embossed on the front. It's the Professional Notebook (link) and has a few pages for table of contents, each page is numbered, and there's different sections on the pages for different things. It's perfect for a person like him who needs organization and who likes to write things down. I know of his many notebooks of short stories and coding notes so I know he needs something better and handier and not just a million notebooks here and there. Also included in the birthday package is a bouquet of flowers which unfortunately will arrive while he's at work but I've made sure that someone will be home to receive it for him. The flowers I got actually match an abstract painting we picked out for him a few weekends ago.
 It's just one of those friendships where you feel like you know everything about a person and you spend all your time together but it's still not enough because there's so many things in the world to explore and you know the other person won't leave you or abandon you and there's no hurt feelings.
 Once we actually had a talk about how both of us are afraid of commitment. Like, who does that? Nobody actually has a conversation about non-commitment and not liking to make plans too far in advance. It's just something we have in common and something we once discussed in passing during one of our many phone conversations.

 Welp...happy early birthday to one of my favorite people - for now. Even though he'll never see this.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

"Down in the Dumps"

 My sister won't let me use the word 'depression' because I'm not clinical. So I'll just use the term "down in the dumps". I've been extra emotional lately and it's been a mix of lonely, uselessness, and rejection. A few hours I actually made the decision to cut my hair. I took my pair of left handed scissors and chopped off a few inches. I don't even know how it looks since my hair is curled and it's naturally straight. I guess I'll find out after I wash it.
 I've done this before. One night when I was still in my early teens, I was really upset at my parents. So when I was supposed to be sleeping that night, I took a pair of scissors and cut off 6" of my hair using just the light from the small night light in the bathroom.
Other times in the past when I've been upset I'll get a proper hair cut or dye my hair. Just something to signify making a change in my life. Although I guess it's not a symbol if it's literal. It's just how I feel when something happens in my life. (Breakups usually....)

That's it. Tl;dr - feeling sad, cut my hair, I do that when I'm feeling sad