Wednesday, January 31, 2018

What is Heartbreak?

 The other day I was talking to someone and they couldn't put into words why it hurt so much to go through a breakup with someone. I offered my interpretation and was told that it's exactly right. Here's what I said:

 It hurts so much to break up with someone because you've gotten to know them and you've gotten used to them in your life every day and all the time. And suddenly you can't talk to them or see them every day anymore and it feels like a part of you is gone because they've become such a constant in your life. And depending on how close or how long you were together, they probably also have a piece of your heart and now that's gone too. So you've lost a constant in your life and a piece of your heart and you don't remember how to live life without that.

I should have added "for now" because you'll eventually get used to not having them in your life. One day at a time and you will learn to accept it and will be able to move on.
 We've all be there and one way or another, we'll all get through it.

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Good Bye 2017

Another year over another reflection.

2017. The first time I was able to admit I felt absolute happiness since we lost her all those years ago. But at the same time, my depression came back worse than it has in a long while. There were so many ups and downs this year it was more thrilling than a roller coaster.

I spent more time outdoors than any other year I've had and finally found a group of friends I could talk to and hang out with. Something I haven't had since before losing her.

I also went on an 80 day trip which made me realize that I will never go anywhere I don't want to go again because I actually have a choice. There were so many foods that I now appreciate more because not everywhere has good ones accessible.

I certainly did not consume as much media as I did last year. I definitely need to read more books and watch more movies next year.
So here it is

2018: Do more things I want to do. Be happy.
...get help.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

A Harrowing Journey

   So here's the thing. I've been in Shanghai for two months. I left the states the second week of September and got back on the 29th of November. My first impression as I got off the plane - even though I have been to China twice before - why is everyone yelling? Truth: that's just how they talk. My eight and a half weeks have taught me to get used to: constanting yelling, people walking around looking at their phones, smokers not giving a crap if they are standing in a crowd or even next to their own baby, smog (the horrible smog), people riding their bikes and driving their scooters on the sidewalk attempting to run you over to get to theri destination, the road having three lanes that suddenly split into four and then become two, the left turn lane being on the right most side, the constant use of horns and sirens by civilians and police respectviely, and of course the fact that there are so many people in this country that they have no respect for lines nor personal space. They will literally stand next to you at the counter because they are waiting for you to finish your purchase so that they can be next. What do you mean there were three people waiting? And if you are standing in line and cut you, they will graciously let you go first. As if they are doing you a favor. Trying to get on an escalator or on the subway is a constant war zone. It may seem like they are forming a line, but that's just the formation they take while trying to fill every available space. They don't see the logic of letting people out of the car first so there is space for them.

Conclusion? I am never leaving the states for this long again unless it is somewhere with good (and not firewalled) internet. And I am never coming to China for this much time - at least not by choice. The thing I looked forward to the most about being back in California are the clean air, polite people, and my friends. It's been a lovely almost 3 months being out there without peers to hang out with. Transatlantic communication just isn't the same when your time zones are literally day and night and they can go out and have fun with each other while you just get to hear about it afterward.

 Tip for anyone going to China (although your experience may be different from mine depending on where you go): Bring sanitizer and lots of tissues! I will definitely not miss squatting to pee or not having soap after.

 The few things I will mist for sure is paying a buck for street food, all the cheap clothing I can get for under $10 each, and being able to go everywhere without needing to hop in a car. Public transportation is amazing out there

Side note: I've been back in America for almost a month now and I wrote this a few weeks before I left China. I did get to be in Taiwan for a week and I was lucky enough to have a high school friend who was there at the same time. I love Taiwan because that's where I grew up. It's awesome getting to walk outside and having so much food and shop available. I went everywhere on foot or on the subway and it was a fantastic week where my mom barely saw me because I left in the morning and came back when the last subway closed.

(Yes, I am grateful that I have the opportunity and means to travel and pick up whenever I please but everyone is allowed to complain once in a while)

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

I am Happy.

     I feel happy. Words that I have not uttered for what feels like years. I realized it about two weeks ago when I couldn't fall asleep in the middle of the night and figured out that I actually felt happiness. It's crazy to think about because just a month and half ago (on my birthday), I was crying myself to sleep the night before and woke up even more depressed. I didn't even respond to any of my family's birthday messages and I spent an hour crying and telling my mom everything that was happening at the moment.

     So what is this miraculous thing in my life that has made me happy? Pokemon GO. I know, I know, a lot of people are asking "do people still play that?" The answer is "yes, we do." I co-founded this group of people in my city who go out and play every day and we travel in a pack to take down raids (basically boss battles). There are 15 people in the group currently and we usually travel in groups of 5-8 on a daily basis. We talk about Pokemon all the time and since we've spent so much time together, we've gotten to know each other and hang out outside of Pokemon.

   It's sad but I had forgotten what it felt like to have friends. It's been years since I lost someone and I think that's the last time I was ever truly happy. But the fact that I can wake up for weeks on end and be happy, means that something is working for me. I hope this means that I am getting better in my head and I will be able to work on my life and figure things out.

Friday, April 7, 2017

I Miss Her

    I care so greatly for people. I think and worry about them all the time. Sometimes if I think about someone enough, they will message me or something will come up that gives me an opportunity to start a conversation. But there's one person who doesn't respond and doesn't initiate. Someone who causes me so much anxiety, I just spent 10 minutes crying about in the shower because of how heartbroken I feel. This person was my best friend in high school. We continued our friendship briefly afterward. I never stopped communicating but she stopped. For years on end I didn't even know whether she was alive or not. One time I drove to her house and knocked on the door just so I could see her. We spent 3 hours nonstop talking that afternoon. I'm not sure if I've seen her since.
    She got engaged two Decembers ago. I didn't find out until she announced it June last year. Between that time, I actually messaged and asked whether she was still with her boyfriend or not because I hadn't heard anything from her for that long. We used to dream about being each other's bridesmaids. Or at least being at each other's weddings. Now I don't even know if I'll be invited. I had a dream last week that she was getting married two weeks away and I had definitely not been invited. I cried for almost an hour after I woke up.
    I still tell people that she's my best friend. Even though we haven't hung out together in forever and she doesn't return my calls or texts. Heck, I don't know if the number I have is still the right one. She's changed it before and not told me.
   I don't know if anyone knows this but I look for her face every time I go outside. If I see someone who is a similar height or wearing something I think she would wear, I would get a closer look to see if it's her. I even look for her boyfriend to see if she would be with him. So often I've seen someone who looks like him but it's never them. And my heart cracks just a little bit more.

   One positive thing I can say while I'm wiping away my tears is that at least I know she's alive. She still posts on instagram and still views my snapchats. All that matters is she's still alive right?

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Late Night Shower Thoughts Feb 14, 2017

More shower thoughts

-If you bumped into someone you hated/bullied you in high school/middle school and now they have completely grown up into someone just your type and they asked you out, would you accept or continue hating them?
  This stems from me thinking about how a friend of mine started to hate me after she found out I used to bully one of her other friends 10 years prior to our friendship. I was also thinking about the guy who made fun of me in middle school for having armpit hair. And the guy who was good friends and neighbors with the guy I liked. Both of whom I hated back then and probably still do now.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Summing Up 2016

Here's a look back on my 2016.

I'll probably eventually finish the 2016 table of contents - no promises.
I'm 24 now. Wow, what a scary number. I think this age is a bigger deal to me than 25 is because that the Chinese zodiac goes in cycles of 12.

Relationships - Friends
I feel closer to the few I want to. I made a little effort to reach out to talk to and hang out with them. Although I don't think I tried hard enough, I'm happy with the progress I have made so far.
I also started spending more time with a long-time friend and we basically spent the majority of 2016 together.

Relationships - Love
I started the year completely happy and in love. Some things changed early in the year and that ended. I'm fine with that because I feel like I'm not mature enough nor ready in my life for a permanent person (to spend my life with.) Therefore, I haven't gone out nor put myself out there to attempt to find someone yet.

Honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing or what I want to do with my life. I feel like a lot of people in my age group feels this way. But that is not an excuse.
I started the year in a job. I got a raise the month before I got fired. Then I got fired.
In my personal opinion, I was doing a really good job. I think I could definitely put this job on my resume and be proud of the things I accomplished there and the good job I performed - despite the problems there were and the fact I was fired.

Social media
My twitter followers went down a lot but it doesn't really matter because those fickle people are usually the "follow for follow" people. I just enjoy using twitter as a platform to say what I want in 140 characters or less.
On youtube, I had 113 subscribers when I drafted this post but now that I check, there are 118! Full disclosure though, 2 or 3 of the followers might be myself. I did go back and unsubscribe from myself on my random emails but my personal one is definitely still subscribed since I watch my own videos. Sadly, I have no idea when I hit 100 since a lot were sub for sub people and they eventually disappeared. I missed out on first milestone because of this but I don't mind. Youtube is same as twitter for me, a place for me to express myself in video form on the topics and events in my life I want to share. I have 481 videos right now on the last day of 2016. It's almost 500 videos! I'm thinking of just recording fun/interesting things in my life, editing it into a vlog, and upload it as private so I can go back and see what I did at that point in my life. (Currently working on editing a snowy Christmas with my family)

I've read more books this year than last year which makes me happy. But definitely not enough! I have a huge stack that I can't get myself to pick up yet.
Surprisingly, I have more music knowledge than I knew I had. I was watching the AMAs with my mom this year and I have to say, I knew more than I thought I did and I was quite proud of myself.
I kept up slightly with the election this year. And although I'm not happy with the result of the presidential election, I hope good things come of it. We just need to stay positive and hope he will do the best he can for the greater good of the country.

Movies: I have watched so many movies this year! I have written list (which I'm not planning to type out) and I think there's somewhere between 50-60 movies just this year.
My favorite releases of the year that I've actually gone back to watch multiple times: Deadpool, Captain America: Civil War, and Suicide Squad. (Yes, there's a theme)
Shows I've been loving/still love: Crazy Ex Girlfriend, Supergirl, The Good Place, Westworld (I watched 6 episodes in one go because I started it when the season was almost over), Brooklyn 99 (still!), Lucifer, No Tomorrow, This is Us (the newest in the feel-good family show genre), and
Things I've watched, liked, but probably won't watch again (or didn't leave a lasting impression): The Girl on the Train, Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life, and Dr. Strange
Amazing movies that did leave an impression: Arrival and Moana. (I watched Moana yesterday and I cried the whole time.)

Health and body
I started the year with a new Fitbit (in February) and I walked/ran almost every day for a few months. But I slowly stopped when my sister moved home (and it got colder). Now I barely move and my body is such a wreck - so basically nothing has changed.

My diet is a little healthier than before. I drink a lot of water (always have). I don't have fast food/junk food that often - except Chipotle every once in awhile.
I'm also choosing less red meat options and eating more fish and chicken. I don't think I could ever become vegan or vegetarian because there's so many good foods that are meat. I do choose vegetarian options when I go out sometimes though.
I started eating poke! I tell people I don't eat seafood because I'd rather got to a meat place than a seafood place (hate the smell). But I did start eating poke and trying out different sushi.

In conclusion, I'm proud of myself in some quiet obvious areas and ashamed of others. I hope I can do better in 2017. I won't set a resolution but I will work harder to improve myself. I got a new planner - as I do ever year - and I plan to be even more organized with my life. I've watched so many bullet journal videos this year and even though I don't think I'm quite ready to start a bullet journal yet, I want to be as vigilant about my life as a bullet journaler. (And maybe sleep earlier instead of falling asleep at 10, waking up and not going to sleep until 2 or 3).

Thank you all for 2016. Let's make 2017 better!

I'm off to watch Star Wars Rogue One!

Drafted November 29, 2016
Finished December 31, 2016