Tuesday, August 22, 2017

I am Happy.

     I feel happy. Words that I have not uttered for what feels like years. I realized it about two weeks ago when I couldn't fall asleep in the middle of the night and figured out that I actually felt happiness. It's crazy to think about because just a month and half ago (on my birthday), I was crying myself to sleep the night before and woke up even more depressed. I didn't even respond to any of my family's birthday messages and I spent an hour crying and telling my mom everything that was happening at the moment.

     So what is this miraculous thing in my life that has made me happy? Pokemon GO. I know, I know, a lot of people are asking "do people still play that?" The answer is "yes, we do." I co-founded this group of people in my city who go out and play every day and we travel in a pack to take down raids (basically boss battles). There are 15 people in the group currently and we usually travel in groups of 5-8 on a daily basis. We talk about Pokemon all the time and since we've spent so much time together, we've gotten to know each other and hang out outside of Pokemon.

   It's sad but I had forgotten what it felt like to have friends. It's been years since I lost someone and I think that's the last time I was ever truly happy. But the fact that I can wake up for weeks on end and be happy, means that something is working for me. I hope this means that I am getting better in my head and I will be able to work on my life and figure things out.

Friday, April 7, 2017

I Miss Her

    I care so greatly for people. I think and worry about them all the time. Sometimes if I think about someone enough, they will message me or something will come up that gives me an opportunity to start a conversation. But there's one person who doesn't respond and doesn't initiate. Someone who causes me so much anxiety, I just spent 10 minutes crying about in the shower because of how heartbroken I feel. This person was my best friend in high school. We continued our friendship briefly afterward. I never stopped communicating but she stopped. For years on end I didn't even know whether she was alive or not. One time I drove to her house and knocked on the door just so I could see her. We spent 3 hours nonstop talking that afternoon. I'm not sure if I've seen her since.
    She got engaged two Decembers ago. I didn't find out until she announced it June last year. Between that time, I actually messaged and asked whether she was still with her boyfriend or not because I hadn't heard anything from her for that long. We used to dream about being each other's bridesmaids. Or at least being at each other's weddings. Now I don't even know if I'll be invited. I had a dream last week that she was getting married two weeks away and I had definitely not been invited. I cried for almost an hour after I woke up.
    I still tell people that she's my best friend. Even though we haven't hung out together in forever and she doesn't return my calls or texts. Heck, I don't know if the number I have is still the right one. She's changed it before and not told me.
   I don't know if anyone knows this but I look for her face every time I go outside. If I see someone who is a similar height or wearing something I think she would wear, I would get a closer look to see if it's her. I even look for her boyfriend to see if she would be with him. So often I've seen someone who looks like him but it's never them. And my heart cracks just a little bit more.

   One positive thing I can say while I'm wiping away my tears is that at least I know she's alive. She still posts on instagram and still views my snapchats. All that matters is she's still alive right?

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Late Night Shower Thoughts Feb 14, 2017

More shower thoughts

-If you bumped into someone you hated/bullied you in high school/middle school and now they have completely grown up into someone just your type and they asked you out, would you accept or continue hating them?
  This stems from me thinking about how a friend of mine started to hate me after she found out I used to bully one of her other friends 10 years prior to our friendship. I was also thinking about the guy who made fun of me in middle school for having armpit hair. And the guy who was good friends and neighbors with the guy I liked. Both of whom I hated back then and probably still do now.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Summing Up 2016

Here's a look back on my 2016.

I'll probably eventually finish the 2016 table of contents - no promises.
I'm 24 now. Wow, what a scary number. I think this age is a bigger deal to me than 25 is because that the Chinese zodiac goes in cycles of 12.

Relationships - Friends
I feel closer to the few I want to. I made a little effort to reach out to talk to and hang out with them. Although I don't think I tried hard enough, I'm happy with the progress I have made so far.
I also started spending more time with a long-time friend and we basically spent the majority of 2016 together.

Relationships - Love
I started the year completely happy and in love. Some things changed early in the year and that ended. I'm fine with that because I feel like I'm not mature enough nor ready in my life for a permanent person (to spend my life with.) Therefore, I haven't gone out nor put myself out there to attempt to find someone yet.

Honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing or what I want to do with my life. I feel like a lot of people in my age group feels this way. But that is not an excuse.
I started the year in a job. I got a raise the month before I got fired. Then I got fired.
In my personal opinion, I was doing a really good job. I think I could definitely put this job on my resume and be proud of the things I accomplished there and the good job I performed - despite the problems there were and the fact I was fired.

Social media
My twitter followers went down a lot but it doesn't really matter because those fickle people are usually the "follow for follow" people. I just enjoy using twitter as a platform to say what I want in 140 characters or less.
On youtube, I had 113 subscribers when I drafted this post but now that I check, there are 118! Full disclosure though, 2 or 3 of the followers might be myself. I did go back and unsubscribe from myself on my random emails but my personal one is definitely still subscribed since I watch my own videos. Sadly, I have no idea when I hit 100 since a lot were sub for sub people and they eventually disappeared. I missed out on first milestone because of this but I don't mind. Youtube is same as twitter for me, a place for me to express myself in video form on the topics and events in my life I want to share. I have 481 videos right now on the last day of 2016. It's almost 500 videos! I'm thinking of just recording fun/interesting things in my life, editing it into a vlog, and upload it as private so I can go back and see what I did at that point in my life. (Currently working on editing a snowy Christmas with my family)

I've read more books this year than last year which makes me happy. But definitely not enough! I have a huge stack that I can't get myself to pick up yet.
Surprisingly, I have more music knowledge than I knew I had. I was watching the AMAs with my mom this year and I have to say, I knew more than I thought I did and I was quite proud of myself.
I kept up slightly with the election this year. And although I'm not happy with the result of the presidential election, I hope good things come of it. We just need to stay positive and hope he will do the best he can for the greater good of the country.

Movies: I have watched so many movies this year! I have written list (which I'm not planning to type out) and I think there's somewhere between 50-60 movies just this year.
My favorite releases of the year that I've actually gone back to watch multiple times: Deadpool, Captain America: Civil War, and Suicide Squad. (Yes, there's a theme)
Shows I've been loving/still love: Crazy Ex Girlfriend, Supergirl, The Good Place, Westworld (I watched 6 episodes in one go because I started it when the season was almost over), Brooklyn 99 (still!), Lucifer, No Tomorrow, This is Us (the newest in the feel-good family show genre), and
Things I've watched, liked, but probably won't watch again (or didn't leave a lasting impression): The Girl on the Train, Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life, and Dr. Strange
Amazing movies that did leave an impression: Arrival and Moana. (I watched Moana yesterday and I cried the whole time.)

Health and body
I started the year with a new Fitbit (in February) and I walked/ran almost every day for a few months. But I slowly stopped when my sister moved home (and it got colder). Now I barely move and my body is such a wreck - so basically nothing has changed.

My diet is a little healthier than before. I drink a lot of water (always have). I don't have fast food/junk food that often - except Chipotle every once in awhile.
I'm also choosing less red meat options and eating more fish and chicken. I don't think I could ever become vegan or vegetarian because there's so many good foods that are meat. I do choose vegetarian options when I go out sometimes though.
I started eating poke! I tell people I don't eat seafood because I'd rather got to a meat place than a seafood place (hate the smell). But I did start eating poke and trying out different sushi.

In conclusion, I'm proud of myself in some quiet obvious areas and ashamed of others. I hope I can do better in 2017. I won't set a resolution but I will work harder to improve myself. I got a new planner - as I do ever year - and I plan to be even more organized with my life. I've watched so many bullet journal videos this year and even though I don't think I'm quite ready to start a bullet journal yet, I want to be as vigilant about my life as a bullet journaler. (And maybe sleep earlier instead of falling asleep at 10, waking up and not going to sleep until 2 or 3).

Thank you all for 2016. Let's make 2017 better!

I'm off to watch Star Wars Rogue One!

Drafted November 29, 2016
Finished December 31, 2016

Thursday, November 10, 2016

November 10, 2016

I'm not a political person, I will never claim to be. I used to be proud of the fact I never read the news. I'm not much better now but at least I read through the trending news topics on Twitter and Facebook. Yes I know, not the most reliable sources of current events. But the recent election results have turned the whole world upside down. How are we expected to keep going if everything wrong that could go wrong is happening?
I woke up this morning and spent two hours crying because of all the reports of people getting their Hajib ripped off then robbed, women getting assaulted/touched, people promoting segregation to happen again, and hate speech written on walls and bathroom stalls.
I choose at this time to wipe away my tears, turn off social media, and attempt to bring positivity into the world instead of crying in my bed about the fallen world. I hope others will join me.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Let's Be Better

This is another shower thoughts

Sometimes I think about the person I'll end up with and wonder how long before they realize that they could do better.

Because, real talk, think about who you are right now and ask whether you are the best possible self you can be. Could you be spreading more positivity? Thinking less negatively? We're all secretly (or not so secretly) racist and sexists. And we all spend too much time thinking about ourselves instead of the greater good.

I know I'm not going to change any time soon and no single speech or heart-to-heart talk will be able to make an immediate change but really...we could all be better.

More to add later?

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

What's the Point

 Body confidence, confidence, or self-esteem: you can choose which ever combination of words you would like to label what I'm trying to tell here.
 I have issues with my body like many do. I know that at 5' 8" that 113 pounds is underweight, unhealthy, and a burden on my bones. I'm already experiencing side effects from being too skinny. I know I need to "eat a burger" and get my weight up but it's been nearly impossible for me. Sometimes if I eat a lot of food I will wake up in the morning having lost weight. Other times when I eat less food I will have lost weight from not getting enough. Nothing has worked so far and I definitely don't want to stuff myself nor eat unhealthy foods. Plus I have a pretty sedentary lifestyle yet my metabolism (thank goodness for that) has been keeping me thin - although too thin for my liking.

 But not only that I have had moments in life when I would literally punish myself by not letting me do certain things like eat - or even have the privilege of using the new external hard drive my dad bought for me to back up my dying laptop - just because I felt like I was a useless human being who doesn't deserve to eat nor exist. There's been days I would actually will myself to deny food and feel the starvation because I thought that I wasn't worth enough that day. Not the money nor time nor effort it took for my mom to make the food or buy the food. My body does not deserve sustenance because I am worthless and shouldn't be allowed to keep going.

 I don't think this is an existential crisis, I have a pleasant and comfortable life yet I feel like I don't deserve the life nor am I contributing to the world by being a human being on this earth. Sometimes I feel like it would make no difference whether I were here or not. But I don't have suicidal thoughts. It's not that I don't see a point for humans to exist if all we're doing is making the world worse before we leave it. It's that I don't think I matter enough to be here.