Sunday, December 31, 2017

Good Bye 2017

Another year over another reflection.

2017. The first time I was able to admit I felt absolute happiness since we lost her all those years ago. But at the same time, my depression came back worse than it has in a long while. There were so many ups and downs this year it was more thrilling than a roller coaster.

I spent more time outdoors than any other year I've had and finally found a group of friends I could talk to and hang out with. Something I haven't had since before losing her.

I also went on an 80 day trip which made me realize that I will never go anywhere I don't want to go again because I actually have a choice. There were so many foods that I now appreciate more because not everywhere has good ones accessible.

I certainly did not consume as much media as I did last year. I definitely need to read more books and watch more movies next year.
So here it is

2018: Do more things I want to do. Be happy.
...get help.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

A Harrowing Journey

   So here's the thing. I've been in Shanghai for two months. I left the states the second week of September and got back on the 29th of November. My first impression as I got off the plane - even though I have been to China twice before - why is everyone yelling? Truth: that's just how they talk. My eight and a half weeks have taught me to get used to: constanting yelling, people walking around looking at their phones, smokers not giving a crap if they are standing in a crowd or even next to their own baby, smog (the horrible smog), people riding their bikes and driving their scooters on the sidewalk attempting to run you over to get to theri destination, the road having three lanes that suddenly split into four and then become two, the left turn lane being on the right most side, the constant use of horns and sirens by civilians and police respectviely, and of course the fact that there are so many people in this country that they have no respect for lines nor personal space. They will literally stand next to you at the counter because they are waiting for you to finish your purchase so that they can be next. What do you mean there were three people waiting? And if you are standing in line and cut you, they will graciously let you go first. As if they are doing you a favor. Trying to get on an escalator or on the subway is a constant war zone. It may seem like they are forming a line, but that's just the formation they take while trying to fill every available space. They don't see the logic of letting people out of the car first so there is space for them.

Conclusion? I am never leaving the states for this long again unless it is somewhere with good (and not firewalled) internet. And I am never coming to China for this much time - at least not by choice. The thing I looked forward to the most about being back in California are the clean air, polite people, and my friends. It's been a lovely almost 3 months being out there without peers to hang out with. Transatlantic communication just isn't the same when your time zones are literally day and night and they can go out and have fun with each other while you just get to hear about it afterward.

 Tip for anyone going to China (although your experience may be different from mine depending on where you go): Bring sanitizer and lots of tissues! I will definitely not miss squatting to pee or not having soap after.

 The few things I will mist for sure is paying a buck for street food, all the cheap clothing I can get for under $10 each, and being able to go everywhere without needing to hop in a car. Public transportation is amazing out there

Side note: I've been back in America for almost a month now and I wrote this a few weeks before I left China. I did get to be in Taiwan for a week and I was lucky enough to have a high school friend who was there at the same time. I love Taiwan because that's where I grew up. It's awesome getting to walk outside and having so much food and shop available. I went everywhere on foot or on the subway and it was a fantastic week where my mom barely saw me because I left in the morning and came back when the last subway closed.

(Yes, I am grateful that I have the opportunity and means to travel and pick up whenever I please but everyone is allowed to complain once in a while)

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

I am Happy.

     I feel happy. Words that I have not uttered for what feels like years. I realized it about two weeks ago when I couldn't fall asleep in the middle of the night and figured out that I actually felt happiness. It's crazy to think about because just a month and half ago (on my birthday), I was crying myself to sleep the night before and woke up even more depressed. I didn't even respond to any of my family's birthday messages and I spent an hour crying and telling my mom everything that was happening at the moment.

     So what is this miraculous thing in my life that has made me happy? Pokemon GO. I know, I know, a lot of people are asking "do people still play that?" The answer is "yes, we do." I co-founded this group of people in my city who go out and play every day and we travel in a pack to take down raids (basically boss battles). There are 15 people in the group currently and we usually travel in groups of 5-8 on a daily basis. We talk about Pokemon all the time and since we've spent so much time together, we've gotten to know each other and hang out outside of Pokemon.

   It's sad but I had forgotten what it felt like to have friends. It's been years since I lost someone and I think that's the last time I was ever truly happy. But the fact that I can wake up for weeks on end and be happy, means that something is working for me. I hope this means that I am getting better in my head and I will be able to work on my life and figure things out.

Friday, April 7, 2017

I Miss Her

    I care so greatly for people. I think and worry about them all the time. Sometimes if I think about someone enough, they will message me or something will come up that gives me an opportunity to start a conversation. But there's one person who doesn't respond and doesn't initiate. Someone who causes me so much anxiety, I just spent 10 minutes crying about in the shower because of how heartbroken I feel. This person was my best friend in high school. We continued our friendship briefly afterward. I never stopped communicating but she stopped. For years on end I didn't even know whether she was alive or not. One time I drove to her house and knocked on the door just so I could see her. We spent 3 hours nonstop talking that afternoon. I'm not sure if I've seen her since.
    She got engaged two Decembers ago. I didn't find out until she announced it June last year. Between that time, I actually messaged and asked whether she was still with her boyfriend or not because I hadn't heard anything from her for that long. We used to dream about being each other's bridesmaids. Or at least being at each other's weddings. Now I don't even know if I'll be invited. I had a dream last week that she was getting married two weeks away and I had definitely not been invited. I cried for almost an hour after I woke up.
    I still tell people that she's my best friend. Even though we haven't hung out together in forever and she doesn't return my calls or texts. Heck, I don't know if the number I have is still the right one. She's changed it before and not told me.
   I don't know if anyone knows this but I look for her face every time I go outside. If I see someone who is a similar height or wearing something I think she would wear, I would get a closer look to see if it's her. I even look for her boyfriend to see if she would be with him. So often I've seen someone who looks like him but it's never them. And my heart cracks just a little bit more.

   One positive thing I can say while I'm wiping away my tears is that at least I know she's alive. She still posts on instagram and still views my snapchats. All that matters is she's still alive right?

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Late Night Shower Thoughts Feb 14, 2017

More shower thoughts

-If you bumped into someone you hated/bullied you in high school/middle school and now they have completely grown up into someone just your type and they asked you out, would you accept or continue hating them?
  This stems from me thinking about how a friend of mine started to hate me after she found out I used to bully one of her other friends 10 years prior to our friendship. I was also thinking about the guy who made fun of me in middle school for having armpit hair. And the guy who was good friends and neighbors with the guy I liked. Both of whom I hated back then and probably still do now.