Tuesday, August 22, 2017
I feel happy. Words that I have not uttered for what feels like years. I realized it about two weeks ago when I couldn't fall asleep in the middle of the night and figured out that I actually felt happiness. It's crazy to think about because just a month and half ago (on my birthday), I was crying myself to sleep the night before and woke up even more depressed. I didn't even respond to any of my family's birthday messages and I spent an hour crying and telling my mom everything that was happening at the moment.
So what is this miraculous thing in my life that has made me happy? Pokemon GO. I know, I know, a lot of people are asking "do people still play that?" The answer is "yes, we do." I co-founded this group of people in my city who go out and play every day and we travel in a pack to take down raids (basically boss battles). There are 15 people in the group currently and we usually travel in groups of 5-8 on a daily basis. We talk about Pokemon all the time and since we've spent so much time together, we've gotten to know each other and hang out outside of Pokemon.
It's sad but I had forgotten what it felt like to have friends. It's been years since I lost someone and I think that's the last time I was ever truly happy. But the fact that I can wake up for weeks on end and be happy, means that something is working for me. I hope this means that I am getting better in my head and I will be able to work on my life and figure things out.
Friday, April 7, 2017
I care so greatly for people. I think and worry about them all the time. Sometimes if I think about someone enough, they will message me or something will come up that gives me an opportunity to start a conversation. But there's one person who doesn't respond and doesn't initiate. Someone who causes me so much anxiety, I just spent 10 minutes crying about in the shower because of how heartbroken I feel. This person was my best friend in high school. We continued our friendship briefly afterward. I never stopped communicating but she stopped. For years on end I didn't even know whether she was alive or not. One time I drove to her house and knocked on the door just so I could see her. We spent 3 hours nonstop talking that afternoon. I'm not sure if I've seen her since.
She got engaged two Decembers ago. I didn't find out until she announced it June last year. Between that time, I actually messaged and asked whether she was still with her boyfriend or not because I hadn't heard anything from her for that long. We used to dream about being each other's bridesmaids. Or at least being at each other's weddings. Now I don't even know if I'll be invited. I had a dream last week that she was getting married two weeks away and I had definitely not been invited. I cried for almost an hour after I woke up.
I still tell people that she's my best friend. Even though we haven't hung out together in forever and she doesn't return my calls or texts. Heck, I don't know if the number I have is still the right one. She's changed it before and not told me.
I don't know if anyone knows this but I look for her face every time I go outside. If I see someone who is a similar height or wearing something I think she would wear, I would get a closer look to see if it's her. I even look for her boyfriend to see if she would be with him. So often I've seen someone who looks like him but it's never them. And my heart cracks just a little bit more.
One positive thing I can say while I'm wiping away my tears is that at least I know she's alive. She still posts on instagram and still views my snapchats. All that matters is she's still alive right?
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
More shower thoughts
-If you bumped into someone you hated/bullied you in high school/middle school and now they have completely grown up into someone just your type and they asked you out, would you accept or continue hating them?
This stems from me thinking about how a friend of mine started to hate me after she found out I used to bully one of her other friends 10 years prior to our friendship. I was also thinking about the guy who made fun of me in middle school for having armpit hair. And the guy who was good friends and neighbors with the guy I liked. Both of whom I hated back then and probably still do now.