Friday, April 7, 2017
I care so greatly for people. I think and worry about them all the time. Sometimes if I think about someone enough, they will message me or something will come up that gives me an opportunity to start a conversation. But there's one person who doesn't respond and doesn't initiate. Someone who causes me so much anxiety, I just spent 10 minutes crying about in the shower because of how heartbroken I feel. This person was my best friend in high school. We continued our friendship briefly afterward. I never stopped communicating but she stopped. For years on end I didn't even know whether she was alive or not. One time I drove to her house and knocked on the door just so I could see her. We spent 3 hours nonstop talking that afternoon. I'm not sure if I've seen her since.
She got engaged two Decembers ago. I didn't find out until she announced it June last year. Between that time, I actually messaged and asked whether she was still with her boyfriend or not because I hadn't heard anything from her for that long. We used to dream about being each other's bridesmaids. Or at least being at each other's weddings. Now I don't even know if I'll be invited. I had a dream last week that she was getting married two weeks away and I had definitely not been invited. I cried for almost an hour after I woke up.
I still tell people that she's my best friend. Even though we haven't hung out together in forever and she doesn't return my calls or texts. Heck, I don't know if the number I have is still the right one. She's changed it before and not told me.
I don't know if anyone knows this but I look for her face every time I go outside. If I see someone who is a similar height or wearing something I think she would wear, I would get a closer look to see if it's her. I even look for her boyfriend to see if she would be with him. So often I've seen someone who looks like him but it's never them. And my heart cracks just a little bit more.
One positive thing I can say while I'm wiping away my tears is that at least I know she's alive. She still posts on instagram and still views my snapchats. All that matters is she's still alive right?