Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Body confidence, confidence, or self-esteem: you can choose which ever combination of words you would like to label what I'm trying to tell here.
I have issues with my body like many do. I know that at 5' 8" that 113 pounds is underweight, unhealthy, and a burden on my bones. I'm already experiencing side effects from being too skinny. I know I need to "eat a burger" and get my weight up but it's been nearly impossible for me. Sometimes if I eat a lot of food I will wake up in the morning having lost weight. Other times when I eat less food I will have lost weight from not getting enough. Nothing has worked so far and I definitely don't want to stuff myself nor eat unhealthy foods. Plus I have a pretty sedentary lifestyle yet my metabolism (thank goodness for that) has been keeping me thin - although too thin for my liking.
But not only that I have had moments in life when I would literally punish myself by not letting me do certain things like eat - or even have the privilege of using the new external hard drive my dad bought for me to back up my dying laptop - just because I felt like I was a useless human being who doesn't deserve to eat nor exist. There's been days I would actually will myself to deny food and feel the starvation because I thought that I wasn't worth enough that day. Not the money nor time nor effort it took for my mom to make the food or buy the food. My body does not deserve sustenance because I am worthless and shouldn't be allowed to keep going.
I don't think this is an existential crisis, I have a pleasant and comfortable life yet I feel like I don't deserve the life nor am I contributing to the world by being a human being on this earth. Sometimes I feel like it would make no difference whether I were here or not. But I don't have suicidal thoughts. It's not that I don't see a point for humans to exist if all we're doing is making the world worse before we leave it. It's that I don't think I matter enough to be here.