Happy Birthday 2019

It's impossible for me to fully express just how amazing my birthday was yesterday. It's been many years since I was last with anyone and on my last few birthdays I was feeling quite depressed on the day. (So bad in fact I spent one whole morning crying)


 The day before my birthday this year I was having very bad mood swings and just wanted to be away from people and cancel lunch plans with my family so I can go out somewhere and be alone. I spent the whole day being irritated at my mom for no reason (except all the little reasons that a rational person would not react to.)


 At 10ish that night I was able to talk to 🐼 before he went to sleep for work the next day. We got off the phone around 11:30 so he can go to sleep. But 30 minutes at midnight he texts me happy birthday - which surprised me more than anything else. He then ended up calling me when he saw that I responded right away and we talked some more. My mood started feeling better at this point


 The next day I woke up in the morning but still want to cancel lunch plans due to eating too much meat lately and I was having 火氣 flare-ups as a result. So I let my mom know I didn't want to go for lunch any more especially since we had another reservation for the day after also. I ended up heading to Brea mall by myself to redeem some birthday goodies and buy myself some tea from T2. I spent such a long time enjoying myself and looking at things that by the time I was done it was a bit too trafficy to head to Disney like I originally planned to do after.


 At this point I get a call and he tells me he is leaving work early due to the lighter patient schedule today. We end up meeting near our homes for a raid (yes, people still play pokemon go) and he has a bouquet of happy birthday balloons in his car.


 Surprise! Surprise! Here are 4 mylar balloons and 2 japanese cheesecakes from Uncle Tetsu for your birthday! Turns out he drove to Arcadia mall on his lunch to pick up cake for me. It was at this point my heart swelled three sizes and I got a bit teary eyed. I don't remember the last time I've felt so much love in my heart.

Breakup Nightmare

Feb 16, 2019

 I woke up at 6am on the dot this morning in tears from a "nightmare" I just had. In this dream, the guy I've been seeing was hanging out at my house after we've been out doing stuff all day (the same thing happened in real life this night.) But before he left, he tells me that he has decided he "doesn't think we should see each other anymore" and just leaves my house.

 Of course, I'm devastated. I'm trying to collect myself enough so I can go to his house to talk to him to see why he has made this decision for the two of us and not elaborated. And then one of my other friends drop by. At this point, the guy had somehow come back to my house and dropped off everything I have ever given him in our relationship. - This part was less realistic because I didn't give him any of the furniture that he dropped off in my dream let alone have I ever seen these items in my real life. - The friend who drops by proceeds to carry everything into the house (I didn't even open the door to let him in. Dreams are weird) and leaves everything in a pile on the foyer.

 I am in shock and just keeps asking this friend to "can you leave right now I got to go I'll explain everything later." "I need you to leave right now." "Get out now." He doesn't leave until my mom and aunt come home into the house. Some cousins are already miraculously inside but didn't appear until now and the two moms start saying stuff like the soup is ready, it is time to eat, etc, etc. I am still trying to leave the house so I can go find out what is going on. And my mom keeps calling me to eat. I say "I don't want to eat right now, can you leave me alone?" (Things I've actually said before because sometimes when I get into a mood I don't want to eat and I don't want to talk.)

 This part I'm more fuzzy on: I get to him or maybe I'm on the phone with him. I just know that I am talking to him. I ask what happened to us, why is this happening. And then the last thing I say is "Why are you doing this? Tomorrow is community day and we made all these plans!"

 See that last part is funny. Because today, (Feb 16) is Community Day in Pokemon GO. And the last thing I said to him before he left my house the night before was "See you tomorrow?" for our Community day plans. What made the dream hurt so much was the beginning and the ending are so close to what happened in real life before going to sleep. And of course, the being broken up with part.

 I woke up and started crying. I know I wasn't sobbing but there were tears streaming out of my eyes. I may have cried out at one point. But I glanced at my phone for the time, wiped my tears, wrote down everything I could remember, and tried to go back to sleep. Probably slept for only 2-3 hours more but I felt so heavy in my heart and mind.

Welp One Year Has Gone

 Hard to believe my last post was a year ago. I can't even begin to summarize what 2018 was like for me.
 That guy I was talking to about heart break this time last year, I liked him then. Still do to this day. Met him July/August of 2017, started liking him around September. But I left the country for almost 3 months and he wasn't as responsive towards the end of my trip as he was during the beginning. But we came back and our friendship continued in an upward motion. We had a romantic moment in December that continued into the new years but he told me after that he was still going through heart break and we had to take it easy. (Cue me writing that post.) It was fine for awhile but I couldn't handle the feeling of not being wanted completely by someone and said maybe we should have some time apart for him to work out his feelings.

 Turns out not only did he use that time to get over her, he got over me in that time as well. I was quite sad at that point. A few more months without talking and we started talking again but it was different. I spent those months trying to get over him. I did. Mostly... BUT once he started exhibiting signs again I couldn't help but fall back in.

 We started being "romantic" again in the summer. Then I left the country for a few weeks in both October and in December. I didn't get back until New Year's Eve. We had a great night. And since then I've hung out at his house and talked to his parents a bunch. Cut to one night we're hanging out...I see notifications from a dating app on his phone. Two different girls' names. (Yes, I know I shouldn't have looked but he started hiding his phone from me instead of always leaving it face up and I was curious.)

 Now I'm thinking: what do I do? Should I bring up that I saw something? Or just ask him to DTR (define the relationship)? Or just casually say something about being exclusive? Or all of the above?

 I'm 5% hoping he finds this and is on the same page as I am about being together and 95% scared if I bring up anything it will drive him away forever. And I'd rather be in this limbo not knowing what we are than to not have him in my life again.

 And as I think these things, I think to myself that I'm one of those girls who has the choice and option to leave an unhealthy relationship but doesn't choose to and I hate myself for it. That's how the first two weeks of 2019 has been for me. That's all folks~

What is Heartbreak?

 The other day I was talking to someone and they couldn't put into words why it hurt so much to go through a breakup with someone. I offered my interpretation and was told that it's exactly right. Here's what I said:

 It hurts so much to break up with someone because you've gotten to know them and you've gotten used to them in your life every day and all the time. And suddenly you can't talk to them or see them every day anymore and it feels like a part of you is gone because they've become such a constant in your life. And depending on how close or how long you were together, they probably also have a piece of your heart and now that's gone too. So you've lost a constant in your life and a piece of your heart and you don't remember how to live life without that.


I should have added "for now" because you'll eventually get used to not having them in your life. One day at a time and you will learn to accept it and will be able to move on.
 We've all be there and one way or another, we'll all get through it.

Ready Player One

 I read a lot of books in 2017 because I had a lot of time on my hands. And I have to say one of the best books I've read in a long time was Ready Player One.


I guess the biggest draw for me was that everyone in that world escaped into another the same way I wish to sometimes.

First Month of 2018

January is almost over, we are already one month into 2018. What has changed and what have I done this past month?

I've spent most of the month half heart broken and constantly thinking about relationships and life and I also started therapy.

Good Bye 2017

Another year over another reflection.

2017. The first time I was able to admit I felt absolute happiness since we lost her all those years ago. But at the same time, my depression came back worse than it has in a long while. There were so many ups and downs this year it was more thrilling than a roller coaster.

I spent more time outdoors than any other year I've had and finally found a group of friends I could talk to and hang out with. Something I haven't had since before losing her.

I also went on an 80 day trip which made me realize that I will never go anywhere I don't want to go again because I actually have a choice. There were so many foods that I now appreciate more because not everywhere has good ones accessible.

I certainly did not consume as much media as I did last year. I definitely need to read more books and watch more movies next year.

So here it is

2018: Do more things I want to do. Be happy.

...get help.