Draft started 6/17/2025
Newly single at nearly 33 and a middle school friend's wedding approaching, one wonders to oneself "is the problem me?" It makes you look back at your own dating history to see what happened there.
Dear G1, (c. 2010-2011)
I had been infatuated by the idea of you for three years because we actually got to know each other. You were the perfect first boyfriend. The first person I said "I love you" to and said it back. Even though we weren't able to provide for each other in our lack of age and lack of funds, I would have needed nothing more for a first relationship. You were supportive in just the right ways and took me places that a sheltered me would have never visited. Places that were right next door but I never knew about.
Dear G2,
You were there at the right time. You were so gentle and loving and so wonderful. I know we would have never ended up together, although you were fine with me being a good person, the lack of religion would not have been enough. I'm sorry that I did not have capacity in my heart to keep you after my loss. I wonder how long we would have lasted. I'm so happy for you and your beautiful family.
Dear G3,
You were the right person for me to meet in that transition period. We were both graduating and figuring out life after. I'm sorry I didn't stand up for you, but I'm incapable of denying the truth. I did say those things about you didn't matter, I'm sorry that you weren't okay with yourself to accept that at the time.
Dear c,
We were non-romantically involved for a year and spent all our free time together in that time. We were best friends for 10 years, I felt so much love for you in our friendship. But you broke my heart when you decided to date her. She was one of my closest remaining friends. By dating her, you were showing me how little you cared for how I felt. I had been literally pushed to the backseat of your life and then to witness how you treat her, in my presence, I don't know if we'll ever be okay. I don't know if I'll ever approve.
Dear C,
I pined for you for so long, I fell into such depression when we were apart. It was amazing when we finally got together. But the world shut down. I thought it was so amazing we got the opportunity to move to a new place and live together. I thought I was finally starting the "grown-up" chapter of my life. It was so disappointing to discover that someone eight years older than me would not be able to be the "man of the house" and I was relegated to doing not only the typically "woman's chores" but the typically "man's chores" too. I'm so excited that you're engaged now! Hope you are everything each other needs.
Dear M,
After what I had just gone through, you were exactly what I needed. A manly man. An intelligent manly man. I guess I had to find out the hard way that our economical statuses would be a chip on your shoulder the entire time. Things like that don't bother me, I had enough to take care of both of us, but of course that's what someone who comes from privilege would say. I was your arms and legs when you hurt yourself on my birthday. To take someone who was so loving and caring and accepting of everything you were, and tell them that you wanted better different...I was lucky that this was the first time in my life I would be with someone who did not treat me well. Unfortunately, it would not be the last. (With you, I finally found out what being with a narcissist was like)
Dear r,
We didn't start anything romantically, I'm kind of glad we didn't from the way you reacted after I let you down. I'm sure we would have had a lovely time together, but as I said, I couldn't be your therapist and your partner at the same time. You had to heal before you were ready to have someone in your life. Hope you're good now.
Dear M,
I miss you! I hope you and the fluffy baby are doing well! I'm glad our friendship became what it was. I'm glad you apologized for how you ended things with me because it was truly mean. I would like my Ready Play One and Two books back!
Dear R,
Emotional manipulation doesn't even begin to cover it. That chip on your shoulder will never go away. I supported you in everything you did, I helped you in every way I could. But like clockwork, you broke up with me every three months because of something I did. I was the dumb one for going back every time. You kept asking me to change and I kept changing, but at no point did you change. Aren't people supposed to grow?
Dear D, (2023)
The first person I'd been with whom I called "partner" instead of "boyfriend." Unfortunately for me, you found more value in keeping your six pack than having someone who loved you back. I wish I hadn't been your experiment into finding out whether you wanted a lifelong person or to remain single forever. You truly broke my heart. (P.S. Who breaks up with someone on new years eve eve)
Dear A, (c. 2024-2025)
"I promise I won't get mad if it was you" plays in my head any time I think of you. When I think of a person I want to be with, they wouldn't even think those words. Because in my mind, the correct response was "why would you be mad ever?"
